Do I?

Every once in a while
I ask myself
Why do I keep watching myself tear apart like It was a part of something bigger
Like it was something that should teach me a lesson
And I don't understant
I never understend
Why do I keep trying to pull myself together
Even though deep in my soul
I know
It'll not last longer

Do I need to die everyday to make myself understand
That everything I need
Is inside a hug
That I'll never feel around my body?

And I refuse to feel sorry for myself
I refuse to cry this pain away
I refuse to believe that I'm this weak
And I fail
I fail as a friend
God knows, I fail so many times as a friend
Ans I fail as a person
Drowning in as ocean of salty tears
That should not be there

Every once in a while
I ask myself
What do I do to feel so wrong?
What do I do to feel so jealous?
Why do I keep trying?

God, I'm still trying to fit in